Friday, May 26, 2017

No one deserves to be forgotten...

The past few weeks we have been purging and downsizing our personal items. As we sort through memories and mess it is easy to reflect on our life the past seven years.

It is interesting to see things that were once so important that no longer hold a purpose for us. Whether we outgrew them (here's to you RocknPlay, and all the times you helped our baby sleep longer), or they just don't fit in our priorities (I'm talking to you half finished crafts).

Call it depression, call it perspective; but when a life is shortened or an ideal falls short the trivial seems to fall to the wayside.

Adam's ashes are still sitting in our glove compartment. I know they aren't him, but at the same time it is what we have left. I haven't figured out where to scatter them, so I leave them there as part of a memory to a song we used to sing about the wrong name for said compartment. We say hello whenever we open it, where he sits among extra napkins and proof of insurance.

We were supposed to take family pictures last month, but I couldn't bring myself to get in front of the camera. So our photographer chased our littles around instead.

Hazel turns two tomorrow, and I hate that I can't fully enjoy the celebration. I promise I am trying.

I suppose that can sum up most of my life right now; I promise, I am trying.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

We've got it going on...

There are moments in the life that I can look at and see a definitive before and after; almost as if a line was drawn, a physical marker was made. Birth, death, love, loss, all the cliches apply. They apply because it is a universal thing to adapt and grow based on situations evolving.

Meeting that lifelong friend, breaking up with my first serious boyfriend, deciding to attend a college thousands of miles from home... these were some of my first truly independent choices.

But the biggest before and after in my life is dating Gabe. Notice I didn't say marrying him... because I can recall the exact moment I knew I was going to marry him, and it was years before things played out. That boy (then) changed my world in all the right ways.

I don't believe in other people being necessary to complete us, but I do believe the right ones can enhance every aspect of our being.

Gabe does just that.

Monday, May 1, 2017

The End of You and Me

Written March 2017: In eight days I will have a partial hysterectomy. Not that I am counting. But really, I am. It is a day I am both dreading and looking to in anticipation.
If medical issues make you squeamish, you probably shouldn't read this post. If female medical issues make you uncomfortable, just stop. Seriously.

Before Roland was born, and really for almost as long as I can remember I have had issues with my reproductive organs. I have had my reproductive organs a "hostile environment for a fetus." I was told having children would solve most of my issues by the same doctor who told me it would be incredibly difficult for us to conceive a child. I have been diagnosed with endometriosis and PCO/PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I have two holes in my uterus, and it is tilted. Basically, it is a miracle I was able to have children in the first place. Let alone three of them, back-to-back.

But, the time has come. My uterus has decided to break up with me. I have not stopped bleeding since I had Zelda (I warned you). Then, since I didn't get the message it decided to pull a stage 3 prolapse. So now I am walking around with a bloody uterus which feels like it is about to fall out of my body. After a lot of prayers and fasting and doctors visits and calls with the nurse, and medicine, and essential oils, and herbs, and chiropractors, and physical therapists... over years and years, the time has come.

So in the words of JoJo I told my uterus to "Leave" ... or more realistically after some scary close calls and the words "medically necessary"being thrown around my uterus dumped me. But its cool, no hard feelings. We weren't all that compatible in the first place. And while it lasted she carried six children, three of whom I carried full term, and have the privilege of raising.

So, no we won't be making any pregnancy announcements any time soon, or ever again for that matter.

We are enjoying our little family and each one of our chlidren's unique personalities.
I would write more but Roland is running around naked, chasing a screaming Hazel, and Zelda demands that her teething be soothed with some momma snuggles.

Life goes on.

**Post surgery update: I am feeling so much better. It has been years since I have been able to workout and run around with my kids without serious pain. my body was in rough shape and I am grateful this helped.