Sunday, February 28, 2016

Am I Allowed to Miss Her...

I don't write this for sympathy or to illicit "I'm sorry"s. If you take away anything from this I hope that you realize how stupid distracted driving is and maybe you prioritize those you love a little more.

The other day while driving home I had the realization that I forgot my mom used to be able to walk... and then all the things she used to be able to do flooded into my mind.

She used to send the perfect birthday present... and remember my birthday... have conversations for more than 30 minutes and remember them... she travelled... she ran a marathon... she went grocery shopping by herself and watched after grandkids without supervision... she wasn't in constant pain that wakes her up most nights... she could soak in a hot bath unassisted... She was an amazing nurse.

That list could go on and on.

I try not to think about it, because her accident makes me angry.
I am mad at the distracted truck driver who rear ended her, dragging the car she was in the length of three (?) football fields.
I am furious at his insurance company who wouldn't simply pay for the cost of her car or healthcare unless court ordered to.
I am frustrated that our healthcare system is so broken that a woman who provided for her family and took care of others for years doesn't receive all of the care she needs based on a technicality.
I feel guilty that we aren't closer to help out more.
I am saddened when I think about the fact that this accident most likely took quantity of years from her and definitely took quality of life from her.
And then I have to forgive so many people all over again.

My mom isn't a perfect person, and she wasn't before the accident either. But she was herself, and that was taken from us, from her.
I don't want to sound bitter, and I am grateful she is still alive. However, most days it feels like I only get glimpses of that woman, and truth be told I miss my mom.


Questions answered:
Her accident happened in January of 2011
My mom has a TBI or traumatic brain injury. Each TBI acts differently, my mom's has caused physical damage much like a stroke and the mental injury is long and difficult to explain. But we love her and her Shelley Shuffle so much!