Thursday, August 29, 2013

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Who's over the VMAs? I know I am! I have honestly never watched the VMAs live, and I have never seen an entire show (although I really enjoyed seeing N'Sync together again, middle school flashbacks for anyone else?).

But I cannot get over the rape culture that has permeated our society. Are you kidding me? In the year 2013, on the 93rd anniversary of women being given the right to vote we are sitting around on the internet calling a 20 year old girl words like "slut" and "whore." And if you're Christian, that is even worse. Why is it okay for you to bully this girl or metaphorically to throw stones at the women caught in adultery?

This performance wasn't the result of one girl, just like pornography isn't solely to blame on the people in the videos. I could make a long list of people who I think are to blame from other celebrities to people watching the show. But what is the point? What will that change? My voice isn't large enough to make a difference in those arenas, and even if it was my opinions would probably isolate me from being any sort of influence.

But I can teach my children and I hope I have sons, because I want them to know their value and their responsibility to treat women with respect.

This book is a great resource for teaching boys their responsibility in this issue:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Macho-Paradox-Some-Women/dp/1402204019/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1377781880&sr=8-1&keywords=jackson+katz

And this post sums up a lot of what I believe in a more eloquent way:
http://ericclapp.org/2013/08/28/how-to-talk-with-your-sons-about-robin-thicke/

How to Talk With Your Sons About Robin Thicke

If you have ears, you’ve heard Robin Thicke’s hit “Blurred Lines.” If you’ve had any amount of spare time in the past few days and have access to the internets, you’ve heard about Thicke’s performance at the VMA’s with Miley Cyrus. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, congratulations! You must have looked past the headlines on CNN’s main page in order to read about “secondary” news like Egypt or Syria. You can find a video of the performance here.
If you’ve been on Facebook or Twitter with any kind of regularity over the past few days, you’ve probably heard countless friends or followers sounding off on any number of objectionable things about the performance. Undoubtedly, 99% of things written about it throw around words like “obscene”, “offensive”, and the like.
There have been a number of different parenting websites or blog posts who have come up withgood ways to talk to your daughter about Miley. And, don’t get me wrong, I’m all about parents talking to their daughters about sexuality.
But is no one going to hold anyone else on stage or behind the scenes accountable for that performance? Are we really going to have another one-sided conversation where we only talk to the girls about their sexuality while we completely ignore the boys in the room about their standards of behavior too?
There are next to no commentaries, articles, or blog posts that talk about how Robin Thicke was on stage with a woman young enough to be his daughter while thrusting his pelvis and repeating the line “I know you want it” while T.I. non-chalantly raps about much more graphic stuff. As Shelli Latham astutely points out:
Girls’ sexuality is so much the focus of our ire. Women who have sex are dirty. Men who have sex are men. Girls who dress to be ogled are hoes. Men who ogle are just doing what comes naturally. This is the kind of reinforced behavior that makes it perfectly acceptable to legislate a woman’s access to birth control and reproductive health care without engaging in balanced conversations about covering Viagra and vasectomies. Our girls cannot win in this environment, not when they are tots in tiaras, not in their teens or when they are coming into adulthood.
Issues of misogynistic attitudes and acts of violence toward women aren’t going anywhere until us men make some very intentional decisions about our behavior and about the way we act toward women. There are certain things that Robin Thicke and “Blurred Lines” re-inforce in our culture.
For instance… Studies have shown that viewing images of objectified women gives men “greater tolerance for sexual harassment and greater rape myth acceptance,” and helps them view women as “less competent” and “less human“. Certainly singing about “blurred lines” will at the very least reinforce a culture that already trivializes the importance of consent.*
There’s nothing blurry about Robin Thicke’s role in the VMA debacle. Even though he’s come out and defended his song, going so far as to call it a “feminist movement,” it’s pretty plain to see that’s far from the case.

Here’s where it starts

So what can we do? In order to change the way we view women culturally, we need to change the way we view women individually. We need to call bullshit on attempts to end domestic violence and misogyny towards women by only talking to our daughters. We need to talk to our sons and our brothers about respecting women and respecting themselves.
It starts in homes. It starts in small conversations that treat all people as worthy and equal. It starts with having the courage to speak out against the wide variety of forces in our society that objectify women.
It starts with understanding that as men, our value does not come from how much power we hold over women. Our value comes from being respected and being loved as we respect and love the people who matter to us.
Be brave enough to tell a different story. Be courageous enough to rise above the lies that our culture tells you about how to treat women. In doing so, you’ll help create a better world for your sons. And for your sons’ sons. And that’s something to which we should all aspire.
Cheers,
Eric