Synching up to the beating of my heart

I have always been a pretty independent person. Even when I was dating someone seriously, they would have their life and I would have mine and we would spend time together around that. So it is no surprise to me that I struggled a little when we first got married with trying to re identify myself as someone's wife while at the same time remaining who I was with my own hopes and dreams that were now shared with Gabe's.
But I guess it does surprise me that every once in awhile I still have issues with wanting to feel independent.

It isn't that he is controlling or that I cannot do the things I want to. In fact, my main concern is that his ideas, dreams, needs and wants are all being met while I am out doing my own thing. In all of the discussions we have he stresses that what makes him the most happy is to see me happy. Which is great, but then that leaves me with figuring out what the little things that make him happy are. I guess it works because if he is trying to make me happy and I am trying to make him happy then all in all it is balanced.

Part of my problem is that I have about a million things I want to do in this life. I have three bucket lists (one I made on my own, one I made with a friend late one night and one Gabe and I are working on together) and even though some of those things contradict each other I have at one time or another been completely invested in doing each one. I feel like bucket lists should be flexible... just like the rest of life.

Which all leads to what I thought I wanted to be for so long and how God is helping me to realize who I really and truly want to become. This isn't a patriarchal overshadowing or a woman getting to know her right place sort of thing (mostly because I don't believe in that mumbo jumbo) but more of a figuring out what and who it is I want to be is more important than all the little distractions sort of thing.

Which lead me to one of the greatest quotes I have come across in a long time:

“I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God's thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest and most precious thing in all thinking.” 

                                                                 -George MacDonald


This guy is seriously awesome. He was a mentor of  JRR Tolkien, CS Lewis and Madeleine L'Engle (who all happen to be some of my favorite authors) and has given me a whole slew of books to add to my To-Read list (which is a bucket list all of it's own accord).



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