Thursday, April 8, 2010

filing taxes, words of wisdom and vacations of sort

i'm weird.
my roommate tells me this quite often. come to think of it... quite a few of my friends do. and i suppose they have reason to. i say odd things, randomly break out in dance and... well if you're reading this you probably know what i'm talking about. i'm not sure how many people know what i'm about to say, have guessed at it or were completely unaware but i have (for the majority of my life) had major self esteem issues. i have been not pretty, smart, fun, loving, or overall good enough. i have judged myself and been found wanting and deemed hopeless in ever improving enough to be someone worthwhile. now, before i get a slew of comments saying otherwise, i know. i was entirely wrong. it just took me awhile to get here, to understand who it is God has helped me to become and who it is i have always been (His beautiful daughter, who He loves unconditionally). i remember hearing these inspirational lessons about my worth in church and being treated otherwise by those who taught said lessons. no one is perfect. it happens. they're still learning too. but at age 14 that was difficult to understand. then i would go home, turn on the tv, flip open a magazine, listen to music or watch whatever on the internet that i would then compare myself to. and i was never good enough. i carried that with me to college, where an amazing friend started to show me otherwise. he wouldnt let me put myself down and began to show me how my Father in Heaven viewed me. but i still didnt quite get it. i based my self worth on what guys paid attention to me, what girls were my friends, how many compliments i received, the number of people i outdid in school and many other shallow and mundane things. feeling fat? why not go buy a new shirt... feeling ugly? more make up it is. feeling lonely? go aimlessly flirt...
not that i was constantly like that, or that it was always my main focus but i was about as shallow as a puddle. and i tried to perfect myself in all the wrong areas.
but, overtime i have changed, i have allowed myself to be measured by a loving Heavenly Father, who has yet to tell me i'm perfect but who constantly makes sure i know how much He loves me. i know one big difference is i stopped judging others so harshly and started to try and love them more. i focused on the positive attributes they had and prefer to leave the negative ones alone. well, i try ;)
another i have done is i am constantly trying to improve myself in the Lord's eyes. to become who He wants me to be. and while I am not anywhere near perfect... I know its ridiculous for me to think i could be at this point.

and mostly... i think i've lightened up. a lot. somethings just dont matter as much. at all. as long as i am focusing on the "glorious potential" the Lord has given to me i am good to go.

i remember one night reading one of my favorite children's books to my little brother and having this sentence stick out to me. last night my roommate shared the same quote again with me and it reminded me all over again of what i know to be true

"You weren't an accident. You weren't mass produced. You aren't an assembly-line product. You were deliberately planned, specifically gifted, and lovingly positioned on the earth by the Master Craftsman" -Max Lucado

my talents are just that, mine. my flaws are as well. and while i know i am not what i must become i also know i wasnt sent here perfect.
so, yay for weird. not in the i dont shower or know how to interact with other people way but weird in the sense that yeah... i just did that quirky thing and i'm ok with it.