Monday, December 14, 2009

a little bit brutaly honest...

I am 21 years old and single.

There is nothing wrong with that, I have had a lot of fun and have gained many experiences in my young adult life that I wouldnt have had I been in a relationship or married (like serving a mission) and while its not the right path for some, it was for me.

all this time I told myself I was being smart and I was too independent to want to settle down anytime soon. while that was partially true it was definitely not the whole of it, and I think I only came to that conclussion (at least conscienciously) quite recently.

the truth is this: I have been scared to death of marriage and relationships. I see these constant failures all around me and think 'what a mess, no thank you!' and while I have some wonderful examples of success, until recently (ok... so yesterday) I have been so focused on the negative I failed to see the rest. this crippling thought that I will be what I have witnessed seems to have come between any relationship I have had or even thought of having. deep down I think I was sabotaging these relationships merely in order to get out of them.

I get that now... I wish I would have before I hurt the people I have but I am glad to be learning it now. I suppose life could have been a lot easier had I understood what was going on before but thats what this life is all about... learning and growing and most importantly doing something with that knowledge.

so here it is: I'm no longer going to let the fear of those in my life failure's control the outcome of my future. I have some amazing examples of marriage that I can choose to focus on, including a million amazing ways NOT to do it. I have the scriptures and the voice of modern day prophets that I can follow and I have some wise people who are willing to give solid counsel in my life. Above all I have the power of prayer and the right to receive answers to and guidance from said prayers.

it is such a relief to come to this conclussion. although i feel like i had a v8 moment (you know, the commercial where they hit themselves on the forehead and say "could've had a V8)

whenever it is I get married I know it wont be perfect, but I also know it doesnt have to be a complete disaster.

doink! couldve had a V8. . .