Saturday, August 15, 2009

ugh.

"you just dont understand what its like to be close to your dad"

words said to me by my roommate
not gonna lie... it cut to the core. once again i am reminded that in this world my life growing up was anything but normal, and despite recent events its true... i don't know what its like to be close to my dad, to have a stable/normal relationship with my parents. i have been the adult for awhile now. and dont feel sorry for me. that's not what this post is about. its about getting things swirling around in this head of mine out. my parents tried their hardest. dont blame them. they were learning just like i am. but... every once in awhile i wonder what it would have been like. to bring guys home to some guy who would intimidate them, to have my dad tell me there was no way i was going to wear that out of the house, to be torn between the guy i've always loved and the one who i've recently fallen for, to have someone who would scare the monsters away and say how pretty i looked...
i had my brothers there, and dont get me wrong they we're amazing. they have always been there for me. they have always stuck up for me. and they have always loved intimidating guys (like the time my brother dropped my boyfriend on his head...)but they are my brothers. they had lives of their own and were growing up just like me. they weren't always there, and of no blame of their own.
sometimes i just wonder what its like... to have that relationship.
but i love my life. i love the people in it. and i love how things have played out. i dont, nor have i ever had a "normal" life. ive been able to do and overcome so many things that others have not. i'm so much more independent than many of my peers, and i think that is a great plus. when i want to do something, i dont have to worry about the approval of my parents, or what they will think of me. i know they love me. and i know that the decisions i make are just that, mine. i am grateful for the people in my life who have been the parental fillers as i like to call them and i am so grateful for what my parents were able to do for me. my dad thought it was best for my life is he wasn't in it for awhile. maybe thats true. my mom did her best when we were growing up to give us things we needed. even if i think she resented us for it most days...
my life is just that... mine.
dont feel sorry, and dont tell me how i should feel or what i do or dont understand. i stand up for myself because for so long it seemed like no one else would. i know how to take care of things because i have done so much on my own. resent how i am, but dont tell me how i should be. you have no idea what it took, you still dont. but i'm over it, i will succeed in life the way i always have
and it's not because of me, its because of the Savior. i know that. and i will always be undeserving but grateful