Sunday, August 23, 2009

coconut M&Ms

mock me all you want for devoting an entire post to a candy
but they are delicious and fantastic


other things i should probably devote an entry to but havent: OU sooners football, dallas mavericks basketball, Ella Good Shave Ice, Colorado taking away my friends, how i finally found a pair of jeans that fit me, the annoyances of doing laundry, the misconceptions i had as a child, my obsession with red hair, the annual labor day snowball fight

Saturday, August 22, 2009

dear weekend...

please go by slowly.
truth or dare?
truth: i am scared of what this next week will bring.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

my vice

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy...

naw i didnt write that. but its oh so true. sunday night i had a friend say that he thought you could never trust people too much... until he met me. i conveyed this to another friend, who agreed. at first, i was confused. i am skeptical about many things... but thinking about it, i probably put more trust in people than most. and get burned more than most. last night after a particularly painful episode of experiencing trust once again broken i was sitting there thinking what is it that causes this to happen? how do i get myself into these situations and get blind sided by a sudden loss of trust time and time again. and as my brain was twisting through the alleged reasons i came to this: i get hurt more than most people, because i trust more than you probably think i should. but i have also had relationships with others than most will ever experience, let alone understand. i think the reasoning behind trust stemmed from the curiosity of wanting to discover what people are truly like, where the reasoning behind their thought processes comes from, why they choose to make certain choices and where they think life will lead them. i trust others in order to more fully understand them. and when i crash and burn is when i misunderstand and misinterpret, which i believe comes from assuming other people think like i do. that they dont play games, that girls are particularly malicious when it comes to competing... or that they compete over the things that they do, especially the opposite sex. why? that maybe i wont understand but will always be surprised by. anyways, i think each time i get burned i learn a little more. and to be a part of the truly intimate moments in a person's life, to see what raw human emotion, from my stance that is worth the pain of the imperfections of the nature of humans

yes i trust. sometimes more than others think i should. maybe one day we will find a comfortable balance

Sunday, August 16, 2009

ode to friendship

the Lord works in not so mysterious ways a lot of the time...
today at church we had a lesson about friendship and the importance of it in our lives. this caused me to reflect on all the amazing relationships Heavenly Father has blessed me with.

i can honestly say i have come in contact with some of the most amazing, ambitious, talented, loving and caring people.
you have been there for me
you have listened to me
you have been ridiculous with me
you have simply given me a hug
you have challenged me and have shown me that i want to be a better person.
thank you.
you are amazing and have kept me together when everything else went to pieces over the years

also a special notation on my dear friend Lyndi
while we were discussing friendship today there was a quote read by Joseph Smith that listed the qualities of a true and honest friend. not one of those qualities is missing from Lyndi's friendship to me, and i have known here since we were 12. that really says something about a person, to have known them for so long, and know that they strive and continue to be a genuine and amazing person.
love you

i guess yesterday seems pretty ridiculous now

Saturday, August 15, 2009


"you just dont understand what its like to be close to your dad"

words said to me by my roommate
not gonna lie... it cut to the core. once again i am reminded that in this world my life growing up was anything but normal, and despite recent events its true... i don't know what its like to be close to my dad, to have a stable/normal relationship with my parents. i have been the adult for awhile now. and dont feel sorry for me. that's not what this post is about. its about getting things swirling around in this head of mine out. my parents tried their hardest. dont blame them. they were learning just like i am. but... every once in awhile i wonder what it would have been like. to bring guys home to some guy who would intimidate them, to have my dad tell me there was no way i was going to wear that out of the house, to be torn between the guy i've always loved and the one who i've recently fallen for, to have someone who would scare the monsters away and say how pretty i looked...
i had my brothers there, and dont get me wrong they we're amazing. they have always been there for me. they have always stuck up for me. and they have always loved intimidating guys (like the time my brother dropped my boyfriend on his head...)but they are my brothers. they had lives of their own and were growing up just like me. they weren't always there, and of no blame of their own.
sometimes i just wonder what its like... to have that relationship.
but i love my life. i love the people in it. and i love how things have played out. i dont, nor have i ever had a "normal" life. ive been able to do and overcome so many things that others have not. i'm so much more independent than many of my peers, and i think that is a great plus. when i want to do something, i dont have to worry about the approval of my parents, or what they will think of me. i know they love me. and i know that the decisions i make are just that, mine. i am grateful for the people in my life who have been the parental fillers as i like to call them and i am so grateful for what my parents were able to do for me. my dad thought it was best for my life is he wasn't in it for awhile. maybe thats true. my mom did her best when we were growing up to give us things we needed. even if i think she resented us for it most days...
my life is just that... mine.
dont feel sorry, and dont tell me how i should feel or what i do or dont understand. i stand up for myself because for so long it seemed like no one else would. i know how to take care of things because i have done so much on my own. resent how i am, but dont tell me how i should be. you have no idea what it took, you still dont. but i'm over it, i will succeed in life the way i always have
and it's not because of me, its because of the Savior. i know that. and i will always be undeserving but grateful

Thursday, August 6, 2009

it's kind of like the flying spaghetti monster...

except i've never really read that book so... maybe its nothing like it. the point is, Lyss came over for dinner tonight and instead of using tomato sauce i used tomato soup. why?!? idk. i was probably distracted by the conversation. which consisted of missions, guys, and pretty much the last six months. i discovered the last two and a half years of my life have partially consisted of making a decision that wasnt really mine to make. ugh. why can't life lessons be like one of those tv shows where by the end of an episode the main character learns a valuable lesson, finds true love, and even gets some feel good background music?

i suppose the right question isnt why but what it is that we have to learn through the real, sometimes raw, and most days difficult faculties of life. i know that the tough times in my life have taught me lessons, but i think the happy moments have taught me plenty as well. endorphins are good for getting things done, long talks with a close friend many times solve problems i didnt know i was facing, unexpected generosity from others helps me to be more giving, days that seem perfect help me love life more. i dont like having my foot in a cast. i think climbing up a mountain and seeing an amazing view makes me appreciate my ability to walk more than sitting around icing a swollen foot, running in the rain is better medicine than looking at a nasty scar. i dont like heartbreak. it seems to make me unfairly mistrust the next guy more than anything. and having enough money for both rent and college makes me appreciate it so much more than resenting those who get both when i have to choose.

sometimes life is harsh. and to put it simply, it sucks. there is no silver lining. maybe, hey this will be over soon enough is comforting to some. ive tried to make it comforting to me at times. but naw. it happens. to everyone.

so that lesson were learning from this not so perfect life? i guess i'm still learning it because things arent exactly working out for me these days.

i'm ready for some life lessons

oh and the spaghetti sauce made from tomato soup? kind of delicious