Sunday, December 27, 2009

mediation poetry

tonight at meditation we were asked to write two poems. the first we were asked to look into the eyes of the person across from us, and really study them and then in six lines write what we saw. the second poem we were asked to sit and think about what we would see if we were to look into the eyes of God (or mother earth or Buddah... whatever your beliefs may be) and write that in six lines. i really enjoyed this and thought i would share. i was also really surprised by what the person who wrote the poem about me saw...

my first poem:
Blue-Eyed Hawaii

eyes full of deep knowing, yet young searching
you seem to have rays of hope and sun
truthfully yearning a want
to smile, create, live, be
there is a stubborn strength
and yet... above all: truth you seek

the poem about me:
Heather of eyes pure
mischievous, elfen soul, full of knowledge and wisdom
off to the forest she scatters to gather her forces
rising above the matter of earth bound issues
full of light, inspired by force
she presses on in this cold, frozen tundra, full of rich warm souls
she will reign again

my second poem:
Alah (or Daddy)

the only Father I've really known
the truth of your love sublime
your eyes hint of laughter, lined with sorrow
your arms waiting to embrace
forgiveness, mercy, kind grace
the gentle strength I need to survive

group mediation

tonight i went to group meditation for the first time
it was an amazing experience and i really enjoyed it, not quite what i expected, which is a good thing. and i learned a bit more about myself
we spent a lot of the time interacting with one another and learning things about ourselves through writing and discussion
one of my favorite parts of this group is that the lady who runs it believes that the main objective in mediation is to draw closer to the Savior, and to try and become like Him
she talked about how when a person meditates it opens them up to supernatural phenomenons like having dreams about things that happen in the future, knowing things before they occur etc. she then explained that while these are fun to experience we can direct that energy towards drawing closer to the Savior and receiving spiritual gifts. I have had some things like that occur in my life but have never connected the two. I am grateful for yet another way to draw closer to my Savior

Saturday, December 26, 2009

a very Merry Christmas indeed. . .

Yesterday was fantastic. definitely anything but conventional. but I met a lot of different people and the spirit of Christmas was definitely there. the birth of Christ is one of the things I am most grateful for in my life because of everything that has stemmed from it. all the things that have come about in my life alone are miraculous and then i think of the people i love and how their lives and changed because of the Savior and I "stand all amazed"

things i truly enjoyed yesterday:
-french toast at 12am. my sister and i wanted to eat breakfast together and then decided that we didnt want to wait for the morning since we were awake anyways. french toast, turkey sausage, egg nog and the christmas story, we started the day out right
-getting to hear my little brothers open their presents over the phone. i asked my mom to call me and let me hear them open the presents i helped pick out. it was fantastic :)
-watching a kinght's tale. how i love that movie... i think Emily and i have decided to make this a Christmas tradition.
-eating all kinds of yummy food but especially stuffing and peppermint chocolate... Mmmmmmm
- meeting amazing people who inspire me to go on adventures and continue to develop who i am (I met someone who is going back to Africa this summer to backpack medical supplies into villages that are unreachable otherwise and I met another someone who was American in Cuba right after the bay of Pigs, saw Fidel Castro and made it out unscathed to tell the tale)
- being reminded of everything i have been blessed with because of the birth of the Savior

yeah... Christmas was pretty memorable this year

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever not believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life

Monday, December 14, 2009

a little bit brutaly honest...

I am 21 years old and single.

There is nothing wrong with that, I have had a lot of fun and have gained many experiences in my young adult life that I wouldnt have had I been in a relationship or married (like serving a mission) and while its not the right path for some, it was for me.

all this time I told myself I was being smart and I was too independent to want to settle down anytime soon. while that was partially true it was definitely not the whole of it, and I think I only came to that conclussion (at least conscienciously) quite recently.

the truth is this: I have been scared to death of marriage and relationships. I see these constant failures all around me and think 'what a mess, no thank you!' and while I have some wonderful examples of success, until recently (ok... so yesterday) I have been so focused on the negative I failed to see the rest. this crippling thought that I will be what I have witnessed seems to have come between any relationship I have had or even thought of having. deep down I think I was sabotaging these relationships merely in order to get out of them.

I get that now... I wish I would have before I hurt the people I have but I am glad to be learning it now. I suppose life could have been a lot easier had I understood what was going on before but thats what this life is all about... learning and growing and most importantly doing something with that knowledge.

so here it is: I'm no longer going to let the fear of those in my life failure's control the outcome of my future. I have some amazing examples of marriage that I can choose to focus on, including a million amazing ways NOT to do it. I have the scriptures and the voice of modern day prophets that I can follow and I have some wise people who are willing to give solid counsel in my life. Above all I have the power of prayer and the right to receive answers to and guidance from said prayers.

it is such a relief to come to this conclussion. although i feel like i had a v8 moment (you know, the commercial where they hit themselves on the forehead and say "could've had a V8)

whenever it is I get married I know it wont be perfect, but I also know it doesnt have to be a complete disaster.

doink! couldve had a V8. . .

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


oh man... this trip has been insane. but i love it :)
my nieces and little brothers crack me up! and i have missed some one on one time with my mom and sister-in-law. my girl Andrea has made things almost absolutely perfect... the only thing that would make it better is if i got to see Kris, Matt Brianne and baby Chris while here...

"so one day I was fixing my hair with hairspray and i looked in the mirror and thought I look sexy" (Benji the 5 year old)

"melanie, you need to eat at least two more bites of that" "uhm, my mom says i'm full" (me and my 5 year old neice)

"Benji, go get daddy" "I cant, he's talking to the Lord and says i'm not supposed to interrupt"

now Andrea is amazing, i could just say that and say 'nuff said but... that girl , ah! love her :D anyways... she took me out on a date (sorry boys, but its been the best date thus far) to Toby Keith's I love this bar and grill and afterwords we went to Bass Pro Shop (what single mid-20 year old girls go into that store?! oh yes, we do :) where i pretty much conned her into taking a picture with Santa and me (see current fb profile picture) and we had plenty of girl talk. i get to see her again tomorrow and i am soo excited!!! thank heavens she lives so close to my rents.

Oklahoma has helped me realize a lot about myself in general. its nice to be able to come here with a clear head and have time to really think things out

well its tired and i'm late...

Sunday, December 6, 2009

in the air

Wondrous abilities of time
You twist, change pace and reveal
The things I cherish and appall
Pressing lines into faces and healing into hearts
Leaving some alone and others with more than enough
Are you fair time? Does it matter?
When shall I discover the more intricate parts of you?
Is there really a possibility of traveling through your capacities?
Mysterious, interfering and all together out of my control

Saturday, December 5, 2009

so there was this one time...

last night i made a mad dash to pack, this morning i got up bright and early to shower and then head to the airport. i have all my stuff packed, ipod fully charged with fresh music, new book in hand ready to be in OKC by 1:30.

i am still sitting at my house.

why you might ask? well... because i lost my plane ticket. just print out another copy you might say... that would work if i was flying on a regular ticket. but i'm not, i fly standby on an employee pass so i have to have the actual ticket to fly. i have searched every inch of my living space and my car. i have called random people who have been at my house in the past 24 hours, hoping they accidentally picked it up. i had that ticket, in hand, less than 48 hours ago. i know exactly where i put it. well at least i thought i did. now im going to head back to bed and then wake up and once again dissect every inch of my bedroom.

it feels great to be a genius.

Monday, November 30, 2009

third times the charm

I'm not sure why but as of late i seem to attract a lot of attention from police officers while hanging out with my friend Gabe. I've been pulled over three times in the past little bit while in his company. each time i was given a warning, and each time it seemed it was a bit ridiculous i was pulled over in the first place. this morning while being pulled over we were both trying hard not to laugh when the officer asked to see my license and registration... i mean come on, what are the odds?! we figure this is a record of some sort, especially because this morning i was pulled over for traveling too slow (a Goolsby girl... what?!)

1. I was driving on University Ave and was pulled over as the officer informed me that my back left tail light was partially out, but he gave me a warning as long as I promised to get it replaced by that Friday

2. Sitting in my car listening to music and talking about our missions a police officer comes up to my car to inform me that the park had closed over two hours ago, to make the story better I didnt have my current insurance card or registration in the car. After checking both our licenses the officer told me that he should probably make me park my car and take me home but that he was going to make me park my car and then leave, what I did after that was up to me... I came home and put my updated information in the car that night...

3. Driving to the airport this morning we saw a police officer right behind me and laughed saying wouldnt it be funny... and then the officer turned his lights on and I was informed that if someone approaches your vehicle from behind in the two far left lanes in Utah you should get over. I was impeding traffic by going 5 over in the left lane. I had left my license at home because I wasnt planning on driving, I was driving Gabe's roommate Dane's car (registration expired). The officer once again took Gabe's license and my information and then gave me a warning. I think our saving grace was that Gabe was writing his talk for church and had a preach my gospel open on his lap...

Hopefully this trend has come to a close... I really dont know how many more menial laws I can break...

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


i LOVE the holidays. i think its mostly about the food... seriously, those smells wafting through the house are like home, no matter where it is i am. that being said, i'm eating papa john's pizza for thanksgiving and in TRUE cliche form of things i am thankful for...

- the gospel
- music
- my family
- giant bean bags
- late night talks with frosty's
- friends who get me
- comfy hoodies
- hot showers
- stick shift cars
- pumpkin flavored anything
- shoes
- artwork in all its varieties
- snow
- toothpaste
- running shoes
- stripped socks
- babies
- football
- crunchy leaves
- love
- dancing
- rain
- stuffing
- pretty much all food
- movie theatres
- slurpees
- roommates most days
- a prophet who lives today
- sleep
- puppy dogs
- curly hair
- hot chocolate
- my car
- hulu
- musicals
- ice
- nutella
- concerts
- peppermint ice cream

Monday, November 16, 2009

i am NOT

a quitter... a daddy's girl... or anyone's girl for that matter... my little sister's answering service or information channel... someone to shy away from the truth, however raw it may be... coordinated... unsure of who i am... lacking in the amazing friend department... prepared for the winter... ready to be in a relationship... patient with those i dont have respect for... finished learning... giving in... going to let Him down... a fan of doing dishes or saying goodbye

Friday, November 13, 2009


Today is TWOLHA.
To Write Love On Her Arms
for the full story of how this movement was started go to TWLOHA
but this is my story: I have more than one person who I love dearly who has suffered from severe depression and has attempted suicide. You know who you are and I hated to see the hurt you went through and the struggles you faced but I have been grateful to see you fighting to overcome them as well. You are an example to me of what it means to fight everyday to merely survive. I know its difficult, I know its not fun but I want you to know that above all there is hope and I love you. I believe in you and I know that you can do this.

I dedicate the love on my arms to you

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

To Write Love On Her Arms Day is a day where anyone can write the words love on their arms, to support those who are fighting against depression and those who are trying to recovering.

The vision is that we actually believe these things…

You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.

We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck.

We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.

You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We're seeing it happen. We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change.

Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.

The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.

The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.

The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.

The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.

The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.

The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.

The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.

The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

my playlist tonight...

tonight i came to a well known but forgotten conclusion, which is this: i am in love
with music. its true. and the man who comes along and is able to surpass that... well i suppose that is what my real life fairy tale will consist of. and until then i will have nights like this one, where as the more i listen the further i fall. tonight's love goes to:
1. I Never Loved A Man (the way I love you) -Aretha Franklin
2. Whose Side Are You On? -Doubting Paris
3. I and Love and You - The Avett Brothers
4. Get Me Right -Dashboard Confessional
5. Respect - Aretha Franklin
6. You Wait for Rain - Kyler England
7. My Pretty Eyes - Rediscover
8. Chicago - Sufjan Stevens
9. Beethoven's Fifth Gold Digger- A and D mashup
10. Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground - Willie Nelson
11. Wannabe - The Spice Girls
12. I Won't - Colbie Caillat
13. So He Won't Break - The Black Keys
14. Chasing the Daylight - Phillip Larue
15. We Are Broken -Paramore

thank you music world. i needed you to get me through the hours of this day

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

oh Chris Carrabba how you get me... get me right

this is dashboard confessional's latest. the album comes out in 6 days and i havent been this excited for an album in ages.only thing that could amke this better is if i could share it with Mat. but in the mean time....

get it right
by chris carrabba

I make my slow way home
Limpin' on broken bones
Out of the sickest heart
Onto the county lines
Onto your wooden stairs
I know you can't repair
I know you've seen the light
I know you'll get me right

I own a sinner's heart
I know the rain falls hard
I know the currency
I know the things you'll need
I know you say the prayers
I see you cut your hair
I know you get me right

Oh Jesus, I've fallen
I don't mind the rain if
I meet my maker
Clear, Jesus, I don't mind
I don't rush the reasons
I need my maker
To cure me of the sins I love
And take me out of my thinning blood
Take from me my disbelief
I know it should come easily
But it remains inside of me
It battles and devours me
It cuddles up beside of me
In whispers, it convinces me I'm

Friday, October 30, 2009

in defense of Sisters

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

peter pan and where the wild things are

its true. these two books are my current obsession.
the other day i came home and there was a copy of where the wild things are sitting on my dresser with a note :'surprise' attached to it.
yes, i have a few amazing roommates.

and the movie? its pretty amazing as well. a little slow at times but aesthetically pleasing. i also like how little talking there is, it gave me time to absorb all of the nonverbal communication. and the soundtrack is marvelous.

and peter pan...
well he is a classic. and my halloween costume :D
much love to those stories that keep me young, and in denial of growing up

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

i love it when. . .

its raining outside, i'm sipping some hot cocoa, the leaves are all changing colors, i have this awesome view of the mountainside and i have just discovered some new music
ladies and gentlemen....
Matt Pond PA

Sunday, September 27, 2009

dont waste your life . . .

"dont spend your life trying to look like her. spend your life becoming like Him"

i love this quote and things like this are why i love being a member of the LDS church. the whole point of this life isnt to see how beautiful i can become (looks wise), how many guys i can trick into liking me, how many girls i can out look and out last, the amount of clothes i obtain, or whether or not i have the newest threads, electronics, car, deocrations, ect.

and no i'm not saying we shouldnt take care of ourselves, or have nice things. but if that becomes our main focus we have truly lost ourselves. and how does this make a person happy. its so cliche that i'm surprised more people havent caught on. if you have everything in the world and have alienated yourself from others, whats the use?? happiness brings success, not the other way around. and being truly happy means helping others, meditation, trying to constantly improve in the right ways, ect. . . its interesting to me that we have so many feel good movies produced by hollywood but i think most days the people who are acting could be a lot more happy if they would let those rolls flow into their lives. am i suggesting i know everything about happiness, or that i would even want to tell these people how to run their lives? no. i just see their hurt and pain, getting more lost everyday. and i wish they knew what it was that would make them smile.

"happiness is the object and design of our existence" -Joseph Smith Jr.

if someone like Joseph Smith, who whether you believe what he taught or not had a life FULL of trials and persecution can say that i'm pretty sure we can all find happiness in our lives.
i remember when Paul Rusesabagina came and spoke at a forum at BYU a few years ago.(he is the man who ran the hotel that the movie Hotel Rwanda was based upon) i cannot begin to imagine the horror of things he had seen or felt. and yet, you see him now and he is a happy person. he finds joy in the simple things in life.
"I sometimes sit down and thank God. I was sure of one thing in 1994. I was sure that I was going to be killed. Fortunately I was not killed. Now I call the time from 1994 to today a bonus. It's just a bonus."
If Mr. Rusesabagina can thank God after all he's seen and been through, still look for hope in humanity, and continue to fight for what is right, what excuse do i have?

there are countless stories of people like Joseph Smith and Paul Rusesabagina, who, in spite of it all can remain happy and remember what is important in life. we have no excuse.

if you really want to be happy stop trying to become something that isnt worth measuring up to and start living for what matters.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

one of these days. . .

you will remember how amazing i am
and if its not too late
youre going to have to prove to me that you mean it
that it isnt some fling
like you said

because i know it wasnt
and one day you will too
but maybe...
it will be too late

either way,
i will end up where i'm supposed to
with who i'm supposed to

either way

Sunday, September 20, 2009

throughout this week my brain has felt like someone wanted to make scrambled eggs out of it. i literally feel like someone took a wire whisk and swirled my brain around for a little bit.
i missed big events
i attended others
i saw someone who completely confuses me three times and thought about said person even more
i tried to figure out what to say to said person
and what not to say to a lost friend who is in dire need of help
i studied math for 5 hours straight and tried to study bio for that long as well
i went to class when it wasnt required and missed when it was
i hiked up a mountain and only didnt give in to slowing down or all together quitting because i was with a bunch of guys and didnt want them to think i was a wuss
i then ran the last two miles back... and only one of the guys managed to keep up

so somewhere in between massive amounts of studying, over analyzing (i've finally given in to the realization that i over analyze most things in my life) and running around trying to get everything i needed and wanted to get done
my brain became scrambled eggs.

i'm done
no more scramble
i'm just going to let things happen how they will and make sure i do my best to increase my chances for success

after all... what else is there?

Monday, September 14, 2009

music as a therapy

for those of you who know me...
my life is anything but conventional. and most days i am more than grateful for that. but sometimes... it all gets overwhelming.
some people turn to food, others to drugs or drinking, others to adrenaline or a psychologist. me?
my favorite thing to do is take my ipod, fill it with whatever music fits my mood, put some tennis shoes on and take off.
i've gotten away from that, mostly because of surgery and back issues. but i really want to get back into it.

especially in the rain
and now that autumn is here, it seems the crisp air is calling my name

maybe this will get me out of the funk i seem to have fallen into lately. it seems the harder i try the further i fall

and with my music i can by angry, say mean things and be done. be heartbroken, cry and wish for what was or pretend to key a guys car, laugh because i have the best friends or just have one of those days. no one to judge. and i dont even have to think sometimes. yes, music, you are better than any person with a clipboard trying to tell me why and what.

here i go... running with

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

misconceptions of childhood...

#1 you can be anything you want to be when you grow up
when i was in kindergarten i wanted to be a firetruck, my teacher informed me that was impossible. maybe this is why it took so long for me to decide on a career... i had my heart set and then crushed at such a young age

#2 God blessed the sacrament
in my religion we take the sacrament every week. the guys who bless it arent in view while it is being blessed. i totally thought it was God talking until i was idk... i just remember being devastated it was a 16ish year old kid and not the man upstairs Himself. kind of shook my faith... but apparently i got over it

#3 eating watermelon seeds are how people get pregnant
thank you older brothers...
somehow this made since in my mind until the ripe age of seven, when i then discovered that duh people dont get pregnant by eating watermelon, they get pregnant by kissing!! after all where else would a condom fit?

#4 bagels were donuts
its true... at one point in my life my mom was pretty strict about things like sugar. im sure it was good for me. and im sad to say i have let some things slip. two of my favorite foods involve taco bell and flavored ice pops

i'm sure there are several more... its interesting to see how much a person lives in their own world as a child. i'd like to think as i've gotten older the misconceptions of my own brain have faded away... but i kind of think that they have been replaced with others. and those will eventually fall away and lead to more. one of the truest statements i have come across is that the older i get the less i know

Sunday, August 23, 2009

coconut M&Ms

mock me all you want for devoting an entire post to a candy
but they are delicious and fantastic


other things i should probably devote an entry to but havent: OU sooners football, dallas mavericks basketball, Ella Good Shave Ice, Colorado taking away my friends, how i finally found a pair of jeans that fit me, the annoyances of doing laundry, the misconceptions i had as a child, my obsession with red hair, the annual labor day snowball fight

Saturday, August 22, 2009

dear weekend...

please go by slowly.
truth or dare?
truth: i am scared of what this next week will bring.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

my vice

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy...

naw i didnt write that. but its oh so true. sunday night i had a friend say that he thought you could never trust people too much... until he met me. i conveyed this to another friend, who agreed. at first, i was confused. i am skeptical about many things... but thinking about it, i probably put more trust in people than most. and get burned more than most. last night after a particularly painful episode of experiencing trust once again broken i was sitting there thinking what is it that causes this to happen? how do i get myself into these situations and get blind sided by a sudden loss of trust time and time again. and as my brain was twisting through the alleged reasons i came to this: i get hurt more than most people, because i trust more than you probably think i should. but i have also had relationships with others than most will ever experience, let alone understand. i think the reasoning behind trust stemmed from the curiosity of wanting to discover what people are truly like, where the reasoning behind their thought processes comes from, why they choose to make certain choices and where they think life will lead them. i trust others in order to more fully understand them. and when i crash and burn is when i misunderstand and misinterpret, which i believe comes from assuming other people think like i do. that they dont play games, that girls are particularly malicious when it comes to competing... or that they compete over the things that they do, especially the opposite sex. why? that maybe i wont understand but will always be surprised by. anyways, i think each time i get burned i learn a little more. and to be a part of the truly intimate moments in a person's life, to see what raw human emotion, from my stance that is worth the pain of the imperfections of the nature of humans

yes i trust. sometimes more than others think i should. maybe one day we will find a comfortable balance

Sunday, August 16, 2009

ode to friendship

the Lord works in not so mysterious ways a lot of the time...
today at church we had a lesson about friendship and the importance of it in our lives. this caused me to reflect on all the amazing relationships Heavenly Father has blessed me with.

i can honestly say i have come in contact with some of the most amazing, ambitious, talented, loving and caring people.
you have been there for me
you have listened to me
you have been ridiculous with me
you have simply given me a hug
you have challenged me and have shown me that i want to be a better person.
thank you.
you are amazing and have kept me together when everything else went to pieces over the years

also a special notation on my dear friend Lyndi
while we were discussing friendship today there was a quote read by Joseph Smith that listed the qualities of a true and honest friend. not one of those qualities is missing from Lyndi's friendship to me, and i have known here since we were 12. that really says something about a person, to have known them for so long, and know that they strive and continue to be a genuine and amazing person.
love you

i guess yesterday seems pretty ridiculous now

Saturday, August 15, 2009


"you just dont understand what its like to be close to your dad"

words said to me by my roommate
not gonna lie... it cut to the core. once again i am reminded that in this world my life growing up was anything but normal, and despite recent events its true... i don't know what its like to be close to my dad, to have a stable/normal relationship with my parents. i have been the adult for awhile now. and dont feel sorry for me. that's not what this post is about. its about getting things swirling around in this head of mine out. my parents tried their hardest. dont blame them. they were learning just like i am. but... every once in awhile i wonder what it would have been like. to bring guys home to some guy who would intimidate them, to have my dad tell me there was no way i was going to wear that out of the house, to be torn between the guy i've always loved and the one who i've recently fallen for, to have someone who would scare the monsters away and say how pretty i looked...
i had my brothers there, and dont get me wrong they we're amazing. they have always been there for me. they have always stuck up for me. and they have always loved intimidating guys (like the time my brother dropped my boyfriend on his head...)but they are my brothers. they had lives of their own and were growing up just like me. they weren't always there, and of no blame of their own.
sometimes i just wonder what its like... to have that relationship.
but i love my life. i love the people in it. and i love how things have played out. i dont, nor have i ever had a "normal" life. ive been able to do and overcome so many things that others have not. i'm so much more independent than many of my peers, and i think that is a great plus. when i want to do something, i dont have to worry about the approval of my parents, or what they will think of me. i know they love me. and i know that the decisions i make are just that, mine. i am grateful for the people in my life who have been the parental fillers as i like to call them and i am so grateful for what my parents were able to do for me. my dad thought it was best for my life is he wasn't in it for awhile. maybe thats true. my mom did her best when we were growing up to give us things we needed. even if i think she resented us for it most days...
my life is just that... mine.
dont feel sorry, and dont tell me how i should feel or what i do or dont understand. i stand up for myself because for so long it seemed like no one else would. i know how to take care of things because i have done so much on my own. resent how i am, but dont tell me how i should be. you have no idea what it took, you still dont. but i'm over it, i will succeed in life the way i always have
and it's not because of me, its because of the Savior. i know that. and i will always be undeserving but grateful

Thursday, August 6, 2009

it's kind of like the flying spaghetti monster...

except i've never really read that book so... maybe its nothing like it. the point is, Lyss came over for dinner tonight and instead of using tomato sauce i used tomato soup. why?!? idk. i was probably distracted by the conversation. which consisted of missions, guys, and pretty much the last six months. i discovered the last two and a half years of my life have partially consisted of making a decision that wasnt really mine to make. ugh. why can't life lessons be like one of those tv shows where by the end of an episode the main character learns a valuable lesson, finds true love, and even gets some feel good background music?

i suppose the right question isnt why but what it is that we have to learn through the real, sometimes raw, and most days difficult faculties of life. i know that the tough times in my life have taught me lessons, but i think the happy moments have taught me plenty as well. endorphins are good for getting things done, long talks with a close friend many times solve problems i didnt know i was facing, unexpected generosity from others helps me to be more giving, days that seem perfect help me love life more. i dont like having my foot in a cast. i think climbing up a mountain and seeing an amazing view makes me appreciate my ability to walk more than sitting around icing a swollen foot, running in the rain is better medicine than looking at a nasty scar. i dont like heartbreak. it seems to make me unfairly mistrust the next guy more than anything. and having enough money for both rent and college makes me appreciate it so much more than resenting those who get both when i have to choose.

sometimes life is harsh. and to put it simply, it sucks. there is no silver lining. maybe, hey this will be over soon enough is comforting to some. ive tried to make it comforting to me at times. but naw. it happens. to everyone.

so that lesson were learning from this not so perfect life? i guess i'm still learning it because things arent exactly working out for me these days.

i'm ready for some life lessons

oh and the spaghetti sauce made from tomato soup? kind of delicious

Thursday, July 30, 2009

somehow everything is gonna fall right into place... if only time flew like a dove... this time we're not giving up, lets make it last forever. screaming hallelujah.
the above is my current mood (courtesy of Hayley Williams/Josh Farro aka Paramore)

i love life at the moment. things have all begun to fall into place. i finally got a job!!! (i know i know, maybe i'll blog about something else soon) and my class schedule is reasonable, although i am still hoping to not have to drive to spanish fork every monday for psych 1100...

things i am happy about:
i have hummus in my fridge, one of my best friends just got back from his mission, it is gorgeous outside, i made a new friend, moab in september, laughing out loud from a text, my car is still running, movies that are coming out that i am actually excited to see, excellent music is playing, i just got back from a wonderful place, my little sister and i had an epic adventure last night involving sunflower market, redbox, my car, and a raspberry flavored shake.

days like today make up for all the muck in life. disappointment, heartache, heartbreak, mistrust and corruption dont stand a chance against the ordinary yet perfect moments

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

the job hunt

ok... so i know i am getting a little excessive in the posting department but this is kind of hilarious
i've been applying for jobs (see previous posts)
and today was kind of awesome
i was asked (in person) if i am homeless and i took an apptitude (but not really) test for a different job. they would ask all sorts of questions about work experience and background but then about every third question had to do with illegal drugs and steaaling.
example:please answer the following with strongly agree, agree, undecided, disagree, or strongly disagree

Selling illegal drugs to your co-workers is okay as long as they can afford to buy them

Stealing from your company is okay as long as you are underpaid

Doing illegal drugs while on the job is okay as long as it enhances your performance

Taking something from your company is okay as long as you intend or returning it

some of my other favorites were:

I have never been angry
I have never lied
I have never yelled

after completing that questionaire it made me question if i was sure i wanted to apply. we'll see what happens

ps- feel free to comment with any fun interview/job search stories. i would love to read them

if i put them on here it makes things more solid for me

semester goals:
-community service
-Mt. Timpanogas

somewhere along the road i took this detour of who i want to become. i'm hoping this will help me once again retain my future

Monday, July 20, 2009

लेट्स नोट तरी थिस अत home

my head and my heart disagree most days. i think that might be a big part of my indecisiveness, in general. and sometimes, even when i know my heart is right my head tries to reason with it. it doesnt help when other factors play into it.

i've been looking for a job for about a week now. and i am currently in the waiting process. waiting for calls back from and for interviews. while job searching i have observed the following: i dont take very many "normal face" pictures... in fact i had to search through quite a few pictures in order to find one suitable to attach to a resume. i hate spam. and being "overqualified" for jobs. what does that even mean?! a well built resume goes a long way. and... i could totally do the business dressed thing most days as long as i have my comfy clothes to come home to.

have i mentioned how much i love summer? and Provo. and my friends?

gonna go get ready for an awesome reunion with one of my favorite people :D

Saturday, July 18, 2009

i am finally moved into my new apartment! not that there was much to move in the first place, i was moving in as a girl was moving out and it was oh so funny when she calls me to say "you can move the rest of your stuff in, don't worry about my things still there" and i respond "oh thanks, but that is all of my stuff" she replies with an awkward "oh"
i guess i'm still in missionary mode, most of my things fit into two suitcases... its interesting how much things can change after a few months of being gone. people change... i wonder what two years will have done.
i'm so excited to be going to school with my girls Adri and Erica or to get an awesome job and do some night school. either way this fall is full of possibilities.

good news: you walked out of my life, but i'm still living it up

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I am...

THE designated driver... in love with the impossible... done with trusting all the wrong people... getting ready for the most intense part of my life thus far... obsessed with music... loving the new harry potter movie... ready to read a good book... even more ready for a new job... rewriting my resume... hoping this boot comes off before swimming season is over... eating an otter pop... loosing sleep... looking for my sheets i know i packed somewhere... waiting to see what happens when me and one of my favorite parts of the past plays catch up... excited that i get a free bus pass... looking for volunteer work... shutting this thing down and getting some Zzzs. . .

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Thursday, July 2, 2009

the near future

tonight I really need to get some laundry done... its down to 2 tshirts and no more undies

tomorrow I get to have fun with my little brothers in our pre 4th celebration...

Saturday I get to see my love Andrea!!!!!!!

on Monday I will once again be in a cast...
at least this time i have fair warning

Tuesday I finally get my laptop back (note for all future missionaries: laptops cannot be entrusted to large families)

Wednesday I will be packing all day... and by all day i mean however long it takes for me to pack my two whole suitcases... haha

Thursday is the last day I work....

and next weekend I am headed to Utah!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

my life according to the blessed tunes of Jack Johnson

mk... i couldnt resist...

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on if you like. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. Repost as "My Life According to (BAND NAME)"

Pick Your Artist:
Jack Johnson

Are you a male or female?
sexi plexi

Describe yourself:
fortunate fool (i kid i kid.. it was all too perfect)

How do you feel:
upside down

Describe where you currently live:
jungle gym

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:

Your favorite form of transportation:
losing keys

Your best friend is:

Your favorite color is:
green eyes

What's the weather like:
never know

Favorite time of day:

If your life was a tv show, what would it be called:
unaudible melodies

What is life to you:
fast times in Tahoe

Your relationship:
sitting, waiting, wishing

Your fear:
who's to say

What is the best advice you have to give:
might just let it go

If you could change your name, you would change it to:

Thought for the Day:
let it be sung

How I would like to die:
all at once

My soul's present condition:
brishfire fairytales

My motto:
sleep through the static

Monday, June 22, 2009

and the lights will make it hard to sleep at night. . .

here i sit drinnking my diet dr pepper thinking about how much the people we surround ourselves with influence our lives, this came to my mind because diet dr pepper is one of my vices... i simply love the taste and actually prefer it to regular dr pepper that started when i lived with my aunt and uncle. they lived off the stuff, and i begun to as well


other things in my life i have acquired from others include but are not limited to:

sun bathing: my dear Lazel helped me realize what an amazing activity this is... even if i probably should be wearing more sunscreen

telling people "sleep well": i can't decide if i should credit this one to the song stolen by chris carraba or to matheu may, either way its something i now tend to do

running: so there is a confession in this one. in high school i joined the cross country team because i liked a guy who was on the team... haha. at first i deemed it torture not worth the guy but now i love running, its one of my favorite outlets

being girly: painting my toes, wearing high heels, being compassionate, skirts, loving kids, having fun with eye makeup, accessorizing, letting guys do things like open jars, putting together outfits... i'm not sure who i can credit this one to i would say so many people have helped me with this one lyndi, andrea, sarah and lazel to name a few

a love for my Heavenly Father: i don't know many experiences in my life that haven't helped influence this...

Kansas: the place and the band

chuck taylors: once upon a time i thought it was rebelious, now i just like how they look

peanut m&ms: Lyndi

thrift store tshirts: my brother Matt

what not to wear: the May brothers

rain: i'm not sure on this one, but its noteable

wheels keep turning even after we stop pushing

these things swirl, twist, turn
the realization of some seem never to want a long stay...
fleetingly there for a moment only to slink away
at the moment i've caught on
so you remind me
once again
and they swirl, twist, turn
this time a deception
of what i thought i knew i wanted
you remind me
of him

Thursday, June 11, 2009

i realized today that i havent been quite consistent in blogging. and that now is the perfect time to start catching up.

now being while I am living rent free, with little social connections outside of my family, the internet, and my phone

my friend Mark and his blog inspired me to do this so Mark, thanks.

since I've been in Oklahoma it seems that I have discovered a new me. one who is more calm and thinks more rationally, who tries to solve problems rather than symptoms and who has finally realized that no matter how much I want to I can't help people who aren't willing to change or help themselves. I dont attribute this to my current situtation, because up until now when I have come to visit I seemed to revert back to my high school self (which is someone I would like to stay in the past). I think a lot of my change has to do with the mission I served. Serving others and constantly trying to learn the doctrine of what I believe has caused a greater change of heart than I could hope for. and I love it.

Politics: I have simply tried to avoid them since my freshman year of college when I went from wanting to be a politician to being disgusted with them. But, then I came to the conclussion that I can't avoid it and its not smart to be uninformed. My opinion is this: I am more conservative than liberal, but I do not claim either party. People are fallible, and the more people you have in a group the more fallible it becomes*. I vote, I have my opinions on what I think a government should and shouldn't do but I am not going to put a loyalty to either major party.

the past few days cliches seem to be a theme of my coversations. not that my conversations are all cliches but that I have discussed them a lot, and since I really like making lists I thought this could be interesting

5 cliches I too enjoy:
1. blue jeans
2. texting
3. trying to change the world
4. falling in love
5. singing/ dancing in my car to music

5 cliches I think the world would be better off without:
1. pornography
2. cable tv
3. political correctness
4. celebirty gossip
5. putting people into compartments

*the exception to this is the gospel of Jesus Christ and that is simply because God is never changing. the people in the church aren't perfect, the gospel is (how is that for a cliche...)

Thursday, May 28, 2009

and she's back...

first things first.
yes, I am back 13 months early from my mission. no I am not really excited about it but it appears that thinsg are looking up.
I am pretty sure I am headed to UVU in the fall... whoot whoot. Its going to be different, and I am ready for it
I hate searching for jobs. Especially in rural Oklahoma. If anyone has ideas let me know, in the meantime I will probably end up working for Target this summer in between surgeries and nannying
sometimes being a grown up is no fun at all

and then again, I love spending time with my little brothers; nerf gun wars, water fights, tramopline camp outs, and otter pops, driving around listening to music full blast with Adam, and swimming way too much...

bottom line: I thought I had the next 13 months to not think about life. think again